Michael Scott | January 16, 2018
Cycle News In The Paddock
COLUMN
The ABCs Of MotoGP
The break is nearly over and the MotoGP boys will fire up once again for another season of madness at Seeping at the end of the month.
But we’re not focusing on that today. This instead is the alphabet, done the correct way—MotoGP style.
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A – Aardvark. A burrowing animal, found in gravel traps. So that’s what the riders are looking for when they go in face first.
B – …MW. Smartest motorcycle company in the paddock. Fully involved in MotoGP without all the bother and expense of actually racing.
C – Crutches. Least favorite mode of transport for racers.
D – Desmodromia. A land of despots where horsepower is the only thing that matters.
E – Exhausts. The things that used to make racing sound good, before electric bikes took over.
F – Do you have to ask?
G – Granddad. Someone who things real grand prix racing stopped when the two-strokes were killed off.
H – Handlebars. Something for a rider to hold on to when a highsider hurls him off his Honda. (Other brands of motorcycle are available, but less alliteratively.)
I – Idiot. None of whom are involved in this sensible sport. And also Ignition. Part of the electronic package that makes it possible to ride MotoGP bikes with so much power that they would otherwise dig big holes in the scenery.
J – Japan. Where the motorbikes come from. Except for Ducati. And KTM. And Moto2’s forthcoming Triumph engines. And (formerly) Mahindra, Proton and Ilmor. So, not for Japan then, but maybe for “Jeneral.”
K – Klichés. Usually spelled with a “C”, but heavy-duty use by TV commentators wore that letter out, and a beefier “K” was installed instead.
L – Loitering. And important technique for Moto3 riders, looking for a tow in qualifying. Needs to be done without officials noticing. Different from dawdling, because there is at least the intent to go faster. Eventually.
M – Marquez. The riskiest champion since … well, it’s hard to say, but Kevin Schwantz comes to mind. But, thanks to four-stroke engines, modern tyres and clever electronics, Marquez avoids injury more easily than his illustrious forebear.
N – Naughtiness and nudity. Generally practiced inside the motorhome. Although not always your own motorhome.
O – Over-revving. Hard to do with all the electronic controls, but theoretically possible on the over-run. Unless the slipper clutch saves you. No wonder racing bikes are so reliable nowadays.
P – Pit stops. Changes in conditions give riders the chance to show their terpsichorean skills. The best dancer? Marquez, of course.
Q – Quotes. Always bland, never informative, often meaningless. Like: “I’m going to give my 100 percent.” Nonetheless, the essential currency of modern journalism.
And Questionable Tactics. Vital in Moto2, on identical bikes bumping is often the only way to overtake. When Marquez and Zarco brought the technique to the big class, their rivals enjoy it less than the fans.
R – Phillip Island. Well, R is for Racetrack, really, but Phillip Island is the best in the world, and closer alphabetically than the runners-up Brno, Mugello andTermas de Rio Hondo.
S – Superbikes, racing’s poor relation. How irritating that the humble production-based clunkers went as fast as the MotoGP prototypes at post-season tests.
T – Testing. What they’re not allowed to do. Only xxx tests next year, and even fewer in years to come. Small wonder that so many riders get hurt riding off-road or dirt-tracking, when there’s not the chance to ride their own bikes between races.
U – Underbones. The nickname for step-thru mopeds still used for low-level learner racers in South-East Asia. With predictably hilarious results.
V – Valentino. He owns the letter, much of the paddock, a growing number of teams, the number 46, the attention of all the fans. Does he own racing? We’ll find out when (or maybe if) he ever quits.
W – Weather. Something that happens, often at inconvenient times. But bad conditions almost invariably make for the most interesting racing.
X – X-rays. Often the precursor to CAT-scans and crutches (see “C”).
Y – for Why? What is the point of starting at one point, then risking everything at enormous expense to get back to the same place before anyone else? Why not just stay there?
Z – Zarco. Otherwise what?
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